Yesterday I found myself consumed with countless notions and simply put, thoughts... I had both ideas and questions, questions that motivated me to think hard, perhaps with the hope that if I thought hard enough, I would immediately get the answers I wanted. I reflected on my past self and projected on a future image of the woman I may become, which I knew was dependent on my present actions and the woman I still wanted to be, perhaps have always imagined to be and a life, in which day by day I'm still figuring out. I had open ended ideas. These ideas inspired feelings of both determination and brought on sparks of uncertainties. As the day went on, with endless thoughts circling in my mind, I started to find myself exhausted from my own internal dialogue. Uneasiness would build up from what felt like a series of speculations. I questioned, I strived for answers, I felt guilty of questioning, of needing answers as if these reflected an inability to embrace, be contented with my present blessings, because I am still aware of all that I am so grateful for. I've experienced such days before, sometimes it's a day, other times it's like being in a rut for a period of time. It lingers... It affects my energy and messes with my perception. Thankfully, I have always found ways to rise above that toxic mentality of self doubt, of existing but not living, yet I also have been through it enough times to also acknowledge that you have to reflect and respect these feelings, respect it enough not to prolong it longer than need be or for it to manifest into false illusions of reality, but giving it enough time to understand why they've existed, the reasoning behind these emotions, even entertain the questions that may never get answered in the time you want them to and you must put in the work to change, to want to change your emotional state from any negativity to positivity.
Over the years, I have found tools that have personally been effective in my self discovery and outlets that lead me to my happy place and I am confident in knowing the sure things that can almost make me instantly, my happy, peaceful self again. Nowadays, I find myself naturally going to my sources of inspiration. If I know how to get to a place where I can see the light again, why linger too long in that dark place? I think it's important to know where, what, who to turn to, whenever we need uplifting! I am transcended into that happy place in many ways, sometimes it is through music, nature, dance, watching a film, through reading a book, being on the beach, talking a walk outdoors, talking with a friend, being around the right people and yesterday, just as the day was nearing an end, that transcendence from feeling a bit uncomfortable all day to feeling spiritually re-energized again, was greatly due to a piece of poetry I stumbled upon. Ironically, poetry had been frequently on my mind lately, wanting to read good, heartfelt, honest, moving, raw poetry. So yesterday in the midst of all the thinking I found myself doing and fighting off this sickness I have been feeling in the last few days which based on how I feel presently, between a running nose, a head cold and an achy, lathargic body, I pretty much have lost that battle of not getting sick. In truth, I wouldn't be surprised if my physical tired state contributed to my spirits also feeling a little down, to basically feeling like blah, but in the midst of all this, right as evening came, right when I gave the feeling of discontent, enough attention and needed to get right back to happy, grateful, peaceful me, I came across the book, Back To Joy by June Cotner. I wasn't looking for it. It just so happen to appear right where my eyes were wandering. It's a an orange, hard cover, pocket sized book, that upon getting my hands on it, I opened the book right to a page with a piece of poetry and began to read. The words immediately spoke to me with such affirmation and significance. The poem is titled, "Permission Granted", words I needed to read and as I read through every single line and phrase, I felt myself justified in its message. The recognition it gave me made all the difference.
Permission Granted
Why is it that we never feel entitled,
To take care of ourselves,
When we most need care?
Even the storm takes care of itself,
Raining until there is no more rain,
Not asking anyone's permission,
To light up the sky, fill the gutters, and leak into the kitchen
A storm has come into your life, wreaking havoc and chaos,
And you're the one needing permission?
You have it:
Permission to feel afraid, but not feel conquered by your fears,
Permission to feel overwhelmed, but not undone,
Permission to pause, shed a few tears, take a deep breath,
Permission to sit with a cup of coffee and find the still center of yourself-
In the eye of the storm-
where all your strength lies in waiting.
Storms come and pass and you are stronger because of them.
It's stormy now.
You have permission to feel the power of the storm,
and seek the shelter within yourself.
~Susan Koefod
Words are powerful.
You start your process of healing, your journey to transcend from one place to another, somewhere. And as many times as we repeat this cycle or experience this back and forth dance of feeling amazing, then feeling invaluable, feeling certain then feeling insecure, which we most likely will continue feeling, those perhaps inevitable ups and downs throughout our life, there is one advice I know for certain we must we take with us throughout our ride, through our life's journey and it is this... As long as you live, keep learning how to live... I believe in this wholeheartedly and more significantly I know that as long as I practice this virtue, I'll be okay!
~~~
I am in awe of all the beautiful, inspiring words and content in this book, Back to Joy. It is a book of poetry but it is also a book of "little reminders to help us through tough times" (June Cotner). I intend to share more pages of poetry from this orange, little, pocket size, powerful book.
